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Ball Peen Pickleburger
By Kayti McGee
So you’re going on a road trip with a male dancer. This is going to be a challenge. And also a pleasure. When you stop in at a diner and he orders a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon and extra pickles, be warned–he will then use pickles as a euphemism for lady-parts. You may also find you are suddenly becoming hungry for his man-meat. You can kill two birds with one stone by fixing these pickleburgers and then fixing yourself a Peenieburger. Just leave the camera off.
½ lb 80% ground beef
2 dill pickle spears
4 strips bacon (thick-cut)
1 ½ TB mayo
1 TB ketchup
1 tsp pickle relish
3-4 shakes Worcestershire sauce
¼ tsp smoked paprika
4 slices American cheese (I know, but it’s the diner classic. Strippers like it. I swear.)
2 buns (not including the sculpted ones attached to said stripper)
Have you ever baked your bacon? I’m telling you, it will change your life more than a move to LA for college. So put your oven on 400, line a pan with foil, baconate it, and leave it alone for 20 minutes while you have scintillating conversation with Honey Nuggets.
Drain the bacon on paper towels like normal, and once it’s cool enough to handle, crumble two pieces into a small bowl. Mix with the mayo, ketchup, relish, worcestershire, and paprika. Insanity-sauce done, brah.
Slice the seedy-bits off the pickle spears and dice the remainder. Mix half of them into the meat.
Next, heat up a touch of that bacon grease in a skillet, medium high. Divide the meat into 4 balls and snicker. Then smash them out into patties as thin as you can make them, ¼” if possible. Sprinkle both sides with salt and pepper. Fry up the patties, smushing frequently to keep them thin and crispy. When they are ready to go, put your cheese slices for a few second, then stack em on your buns. No, the other buns. Top with remaining bacon, sauce, remaining pickles, and no onions. You know. In case of an unplanned makeout sesh.
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